Saturday, April 6, 2013

Life's a little complicated...

Lately I have been STRESSED! S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D! I feel anxious almost all of the time and sometimes it escalates into a complete feeling of panic.  It's definitely not just one thing which has me in this weird rut, but the compilation of all sorts of things that I just can't quite shake or even find a sense of calm about.

Part of it is the fact that my time in Kharkov is quickly coming to an end.  This past week I turned my cat calender to April and was met not only by an adorable fluffy kitty, but the shocking realization that this is my last full month in Ukraine...for now. May 7th I take a train to Kiev and early May 8th I'm on a plane to Munich. This year has been incredible year and I have no regrets, but the idea of "the end" is still some kind of terrifying.

I think the biggest source of stress is the uncertainty of what this summer holds.  I had a good solid plan, one I was very certain of and very set in, but one that has now slowly crumbled into confusion, uncertainty, and a major lack of communication.  My desire to pursue this plan sinks lower and lower and my "bad vibe", negative attitude, whatever you want to call it is taking over like a vicious monster.  This is made no better by the fact that there IS an alternative.  Several, actually, although all in the same vain.  Alternatives that are desirable and tempting and at my fingertips.

....but are they as "beneficial" "relevant" "resume-building" as the original plan? In some ways, no.  But in other ways, yes.  It depends on the value I choose to put on each factor. And when it comes down to it, it's most important that I am happy in whichever situation comes to be. I think both the original plan and alternatives would make me happy.  Either way I would get to enjoy the summer, wouldn't be cooped up in an office or cubical, and would be pursuing something that brings me joy.  And I'm still so young, I keep telling myself. Either way I will be going back to IU in the fall to finish my final year of university and then taking the next big step from there.

So you can imagine why I'm a tad bit on the stressed side. I've tried to keep myself busy and do things (like exercise, visit friends, talk to people) to calm myself, but there has also been a bit too much tea and crackers going on.

On a positive note, I scheduled my classes for fall semester last week and I'm very happy with both the classes themselves and my schedule.  There are convenient times to fit in teaching my Q-classes, I found out that I have more honor's credits than I thought I did, and I have lots of positive vibes about the coming semester in general! I'm going to be a senior...wowzers!! when did that happen??? :)

Another positive note - a pastor from America came to visit our church today and it completely made my day.  We had church on Saturday because he still wanted to make it to a few other cities before his time in Ukraine comes to an end, but despite this date change church was packed! It's always nice when the church is full of festive joy! Pastor Schroeder preached a sermon in English and a pastor from Kiev who came along translated.  It was fun hearing and understanding the sermon in both languages and it was especially nice hearing a sermon in English.  My pastor here in Kharkov even said to me after church, "Chelsea! You looked so happy to hear someone preaching in English!" :) I got to chat a little with Pastor Schroeder a bit before and after church.  He's a really nice guy and his encouragement to the Ukrainian Lutheran Church is so uplifting!

And the weather in Kharkov is becoming less frigid and more spring-like.  We've been shedding some layers and taking longer city adventures.  I even bought myself a new pair of white flats on sale for only 99 hryvnia!
So let's end this post with this positive-ness because всё будет хорошо!! :)

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